At A Loss

My little family had a hard day today.  I was in the ER till 3am and came home heartbroken.  This past Tuesday I took a positive pregnancy test.  It doesn't matter if it's your first or third, any pregnancy is exciting in my book.  With having no complications what so ever with the first 2 pregnancies, I didn't have any extra fears about this pregnancy.  Thursday evening I was sitting at the computer and I just knew something wasn't right.  I went to the bathroom and saw I was losing blood.  After a fast call to Kevin (who was at work) and my parents, I was off to the ER.  3 1/2 hours of ultrasound, taking blood, getting examed, and waiting, the doctor came in and told me I had miscarried.  I had prayed all night that this was just a fluke and this heavy bleeding was just an accident.  I tried to tell God how much I wanted this baby, as if he didn't already know. 

When I got home I just kept going over what I could have done wrong.  Did I lift too much weight?  Was the Lysol that I breathed in the cause?  Was I not getting enough sleep?  Did I make too many poor food choices?  The questions kept pouring out.  Then I thought of my sweet friend I met this year who just experienced her first miscarriage just a few short months ago.  I remember she shared a verse with me that brought her comfort.  Romans 8:18 "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed to us."  Then another verse came to mind.  Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  I felt so much comfort resting in Gods word, but yet still felt such a loss. 

The morning certainly wasn't any easier.  Actually it seemed harder.  Lots of tears on my end, but lots of love and encouragement from my friends and family.  After reading "Heaven is for Real" I know my little baby, that was just the size of a seaseme seed, is a perfect little baby watching over me in Heaven.  Oh how my heart longs to know that little life I never got to meet here on earth. 

I believe this is all part of such a bigger picture that I just can't see right now.  I'm at the bottom of this hill right now (so thankful that Kevin is standing right next to me).  I'm looking forward to the day we're at the top and can look back with complete understanding.  I thank God for this trial because I'm reminded that in Him I find complete understanding and peace.  I undoubtedly trust the author of my life, in good times and in bad.

I was so excited to share these pictures weeks from now.  As a tribute to this little life, here they are.

The day I took the positive pregnancy test.  4 weeks 5 days