Months ago, Kevin and I started a weekly, sometimes even two times a week, evening of talking. After the kids go to bed, we just sit down and talk, sometimes for hours, about whats on our mind, what's coming up, how we feel about things, etc. I wouldn't trade these nights for anything. It has brought us closer and we don't really argue anymore.
Last night I had a lot on my mind so I did most of the talking. I love my Daughers of the King (DOK) group, if you haven't figured that out yet. I told Kevin that sometimes it's hard to not compare myself to all these Mother Teresas that sit at my table! I promise they are the most wonderful group of women I've spent time with. They challenge me to be better and I feel so inspired by them, but sometimes it makes me feel like I'm not doing enough. I think there's a healthy drive buried in these thoughts. It pushes me to want to do better and do things that aren't convenient (like a possible mission trip in my future), but on days when I struggle to just get the basics done (like getting dinner prepared than getting dishes done) I feel not good enough.
Yesterday we had some group time at DOK. We were supposed to talk about if we were a perfectionist and in what areas of our life we struggle with that. I wouldn't call myself a perfectionist, but a control freak. Just ask Kevin. I have to have the towels folded a certain way, the fiesta ware has to be put away in an exact color pattern, and everything that I have in the kitchen has a home, and if it's not where it's supposed to be my eye starts twitching. Instead of being thankful for the help, I cringe when Kevin puts the dishes away because it usually takes me a couple days to get things back where they go. Yes, I know that's bad. What is even worse is I've caught myself doing this with Hayden. I tell him "No, that toy doesn't go there." or "No, we do it this way." When I talk to him like this, its the same thing as me telling him, you're not meeting my expectations; ultimately it's me saying "You're not good enough". Would I ever directly say that to Hayden, or Kevin? No, of course not. But isn't that what I'm saying by always fixing and correcting what they have done?
I am hard on other people, but I'm really bad about dogging myself. One of the women in my group yesterday said that when we think the way I've been thinking (that 'I'm not good enough' attitude), when we criticize ourselves, isn't that us saying "God, you messed up." Does God ever mess up? Obviously not. That negative talk is Satan whispering lies to us. God made us exactly the way he wanted us to be. Those women in my DOK group have been called to different ministries, and that doesn't make me less valuable or not good enough. I'm the way God wants me to be. I'm probably going to have to remind myself of this daily.
If you didn't see
this post about me and Hayden baking cookies, that was me taking a step back and giving up this "control" issue I have. Hayden had so much fun and I think he truly loves cooking and baking. The cookies turned out great, but if they were a horrible flop, he still would have had so much fun. There are so many skills I want my kids to learn and if I'm always correcting them and saying it's not good enough, then that will be dependant on me thinking they can't do anything right. As they get older they will feel not good enough. I want to stop. I want them to always know they are good enough.
